Midnight blues..part 2

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be blessed like other people I know. It really bothers me that my parents could buy me a house but won’t. That just really really bothers me.

They go off for months and months at a time and travel and I’m here. If it were me, I would totally buy my child a house and whatever else s/he wanted. Isn’t that what parents do? My kid has so many things and we do so much with him/her. I just don’t understand.

I guess I’m jealous really. I’m stuck here living in fear that I’m going to be told to get rid of my illegal animals. I have too many in case you’re wondering. I have 4 cats, 6 birds and 1 rabbit. All the cats were strays. All but one bird were rescued. And yes, my house is clean. I vacuum every single day.

If that happened, I would have no where to go and I can’t give them up. I need to get out of here but I can’t. We have no money in savings, can’t afford more than our rent and we’d have to move to a crappy school district and dangerous area to keep the same rent/mortgage level.

Another thing that bothers me is that I have tried so hard to make extra money and nothing has worked. Why do people create crappy websites and other people pay for it? I’ve had my site up for 10 years and not a single person has donated and I get a lot of hits on some tutorials. I run a game server, no one has donated anything.

I do cleaning, cooking, laundry, I volunteer at a few places, I’m always helping friends. I co-run a huge site (5000+ users) and do everything for that message board, game server. I feel like I give and give and give. I can’t keep going on like this. You know, the Bible says that when you bless someone, you get it back 7 fold. I’m waiting Lord..and I’m ready for my 7 fold. I never give thinking “great, when this comes back to me, it will be 7 times this”.

I know I’m not perfect and there are some things I do that I shouldn’t but I’m working on that. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.

I’m swimming upstream and I’m tired Lord. When does it get better?

Midnight blues!

Well things are going well. I’m going to school now and things are looking up. I’m tired and thought I would have more time..RIGHT!
The only thing I am missing is my own house and another child.

Both of those are really tugging at me but there isn’t anything I can do for either one.

I don’t know why I get these middle of night blues things. So if you want to buy me a house, let me know! HA! : )

I want to go home.

Since this is my secret place, I know there is a lot of venting and ranting but it’s the only place I can do it without people I don’t want reading reading…

I am so homesick :(  I want to go back home. I miss my parents (shocker…), I miss the food, I miss the language, I actually miss the dubbed TV….

My life isn’t turning into what I had thought. It’s not that I’m not happy but I’m just not where I wanted to be, where I thought I would be 10 years ago.

I don’t regret being married, I don’t regret having a kiddo. I know I married who I was supposed to and when I was supposed to.

So why do I feel like this? I wish I could just pack up my whole family and go home. I don’t want to go to work anymore, I hate the girl I work with. The job is ok for the money, I can’t complain there.

Am I just this disillusioned? I wanted to live here so bad and now that I’m here, I just want to go home. My husband loves Europe too. I miss being able to go see castle ruins, museums, seeing old buildings old around, walking around canals or rivers. I MISS THE FOOD! lol

*sigh*

*Insert witty title here*

Well my parents are sending me birthday money. It should be on it’s way so I’m sitting tight. I have no idea how much it’s going to be.

Things have been pretty good other than that. Hubby is happier and I can see his old self back. I think he was devoting too much of his time to people he was ministering to. I tried to tell him to cut back because it does wear you down when you are dealing with the occult. We were being attacked, even kiddo was, which really made us mad. Kiddo came out of her/his room screaming and said an icky angel touched his/her arm. Well we went in there and put on our armor and  kiddo booted that thing out. No problems since.

I believe in the prayers of a child, I believe that they are some of the most powerful prayers out there.

School has been going ok for kiddo. I think the adjustment has finally happened. I don’t think there are fears anymore. One thing though is that the neighbor’s kid upstairs is in the same class. Great. I dislike my neighbors…a lot…They are so stuck up..blech!

Hello out there?

Wow, so it’s been that long? Well I’m here. I almost forgot about this place and I probably could have used it in the last few months.

Situations are still the same. I am hopeful that my birthday presents from my folks will be sizable. I could be wrong but from what my mom told me on the phone it should take care of my woes. I am still behind about 5-600$ instead of being ahead. Hopefully I’ll be able to pay off a few things, finally pay my sister back and put some aside. Hopefully it will be timely. I have gotten money at Christmas time for my birthday which is this week. I am pretty bummed because we were going to buy a house but my parents never did help us and we couldn’t have afforded the mortgage alone and I’d rather live in this appartment than in a house I can afford because those houses are not in the safe areas or good school districts. The reason I’m bummed is because on my way to a friend’s house to work on her computer, I saw someone moving into my dreamhouse. I started crying. That’s the house I wanted..the one I still want. I know it wasn’t meant to be, we prayed about it but it still hurts. I guess it won’t hurt when I see the house God has in store for us

Afterall, I am turning 30….ugh! I didn’t think this would affect me much but it does. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have to actually be a grown up now or something. I just don’t feel that old. I still feel like I’m 22, the same as when I came here to the US.

I am so busy with things and projects. I have overalled my personal domain and I think it looks ok. I already don’t like it as much as when I did it. I finally revamped my husband’s site…finally. I felt guilty, I have been telling him for over a year I was going to do it and I just did other things. Poor thing. Now he has to work on it and edit it and put content on it. He puts his poetry on there. I’m really proud of the blend I did for the layout though.

I have another site to build this week, it’s a fanlisting for a christian author. I’m pretty excited about that other than I’m a little site building out. It adds to my portfolio. I wish I had a project but on the other hand, I have so much going on. I have only had one person use me to build a site and it did bring in money but now it’s not even active anymore which kinda pisses me off after all the work I did on it. Oh well, if he asks for it again, I’ll try to find the disk but it’s been 2 years. It’s *somewhere* though.

Hubby applied with the school district, had one interview but nothing yet. I feel a little relieved. I keep hoping he will wait another year and that’s been going on for a few years. Even if I started working where he worked, I would only be making 1$ more than I do now and that’s still 4 less than he makes now. I think it’s will work out thought. Our car will be paid off next year at this time so I will feel a lot better about him taking a pay cut.

Kiddo is adjusting to school ok I think. There are still remnance of an incident that happened 1 year ago at a daycare where inappropriate touching took place but all in all I think kiddo is doing ok. Scared of new friends and things but the teacher said that she didn’t forsee any problems.

I took kiddo to the zoo today and we had a nice time and it was quality time although at the end we were both tired, sweaty and cranky! The line was so long to ride the little train that we hoofed back to the entrance. Oh man my feet hurt when we got to the car!

Well that’s all for now.

Nostalgia

Here I am listening to a CD from where I'm from and it takes me back to my college years. Makes me a little sad but it reminds me of good times and simpler times. Life doesn't ever seem to get easier, just harder.

I have realised something this year. That no matter what I have or don't have, it doesn't matter. I dno't care that I'm sitting on a dinning room chair because my computer chair went kaput and I am so broke, I can't even buy a pack of socks.

I just don't care anymore. As long as I can put food on the table and spend time with my family, there isn't anything else very important to me at all.

We've been spending time this week with kiddo and making it a point to play with him/her and it's been great. We've been having a great time.

I think our financial situation will be better in a few months, just going to be tight until then and we are going to start cutting corners and putting money for a college fund for kiddo and savings for us. It's going to be really hard especially if hubby goes to a different job.

 We have the appointment for the doctor tomorrow.

 I'm going to get going because he is going to be home soon. 

What else can go wrong?

Hubby hit his head on the door on Monday night. Tuesday night, he starts acting weird. He's slurring words, staggering, has a headache from hell, can't remember things right. He knew he knew people but didn't know how he knew them or their names. He thought our appartment was layed out wrong. He described our old appartment. So Wednesday, I get a call from his work and I have to get him and bring him home. I called the doctor's office on the way home because of everything he did the night before and he still felt like that.  We get to the ER, they did a catscan. That came out normal so no brain bleeding. That's good news. The bad news is that apparently he has type 2 diabetes which explains everything that's been going on and more actually. He was in denial for a while and probably still is a little bit today. His blood sugar was 400 which made the nurses stop when the doctor said that and look up. Well, that can't be good. We've been doing a lot of reading and googling. We have to go to our doctor on Monday and he'll send us to the nutritionist and education classes and get us hooked up with a glucometer. He thinks it's his fault because his mom has ingrained in him that if he didn't lose weight, he would have all these health issues and I've told him all day that I could get it tomorrow. It's more genetic than anything else. We've been eating healthy and exercising actually. I told him we'd get through this and it's manageable. He asked me a question that I've been wondering as well: God does all this stuff for others, why can't He do a little something for us sometimes? Things seem to come so easy to other people while we struggle and hang on to that roller coaster of life. I'm so tired of hanging on, I might just let go and just say to hell with it all. I know what it is, satan is trying so hard to prevent us from doing what we are supposed to do. He must be scared but still knowing that doesn't make going through any of this any easier. We need prayer. Please pray for hubby's health, my sanity, his school and pray that I get a project to earn some money on the side. I need something, big or small, that can earn me some cash.

*sigh*

So we've been thinking about buying a house. Mainly because my parents said they would help. I would love to have a house, always have but I don't want to have a high mortgage. Maybe I'm being selfish but my parents could just buy me the house outright if they wanted to. That would be great. I don't think they are going to do it but I can always dream.

I am starting to get second thoughts about it, I'm getting scared. I wish there was a way for me to make extra money.

In the meantime..as usual, I have money woes. I tried paying too much with the tax return and now I'm in a world of hurt. My dad said he was going to send me some cash but that was last week and I still have nothing. ACK! I have 5$ in my pocket.

I just don't know what to do anymore really. Next time I get a bonus and what not. I'm going to pretend it's not there. I'm terrible with money and hubby is even worse.

 I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel that no matter how good my intentions are, I just am not cut out for all this. 

 I stayed home today because I was sick yesterday..time to clean.

Avoidable deaths.

In the past few weeks, we have had 2 little girls murdered. One in my city and one about an hour away. In both cases, the girls went out in their neighborhood…alone.

We had a serial rapist and he would rape children..all of them had the windows unlocked or open.

 I don't understand. All this is so preventable and yet people let their children sleep with open windows, they let them go outside alone. I don't care if I lived on a deserted island, my kiddo wouldn't go anywhere without me.

I live near the playground and I don't let kiddo go out there alone eventhough i can see the playground from the window. Things happen way too quickly.

It breaks my heart because this little girls should never have died, it was avoidable

money money money

Well here is my biggest struggle: money. I am so broke. I have had to let all my bills go this month, which won’t help when next month rolls around. I don’t know what to do anymore. How do i always get in this mess? I hate money, it’s my biggest stress factor.
I need a miracle somehow. I’ve already started to change a few things. I no longer buy lunch at work, I bring my own and I have been cooking a lot too and always have a frozen pizza or something like that that I can just throw in the oven if I am not in the mood to cook.

I need 1000$ to be all good to go and basically be all caught up. How is that going to happen? I need a big miracle.

Sometimes I hate my life and this is one of those times.